


White Blood

by MattyTale (MattySeptiplierTale)



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Death, Cocaine, Cutting, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Graphic Description, Healing, M/M, Pain, Past Child Abuse, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:04:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7619212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MattySeptiplierTale/pseuds/MattyTale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark's been broken more times than he cares to think about. It's gotten worse, to the point where he can't use concealer to hide his pain and has to wear long sleeved shirts and jeans in blazing LA heat.<br/>It was an accident, letting Jack, who had went to stay with Mark for a few months, see.<br/>Jack isn't the best at handling this, but he's giving support, and that's all that matters. He's fixing Mark.<br/>Except Mark has already written up his due date.<br/>He just can't bare to tell Jack what he's already decided, especially after how much the Irishman's trying to help.<br/>Warnings for graphic rape, child abuse, domestic abuse, pedophilia, drug use, self harm, alcoholism, and death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> !!! GRAPHIC RAPE IN THIS CHAPTER !!!  
>  Ok but it's really bad?  
> This was a thing I wrote awhile back, for stress relief and other things, including self hatred and my own bout of self harming due to a shit ton of problems.  
> This first chapter is what I wrote and I expanded upon it last night.  
> I know I need to write for HYLISG but...  
> You can pretty much skip this chapter, since later he's in the hospital and the only thing you need to take away is his mother is a bitch in this AU.

Mark finished filing away his papers for the day, slipping on his jacket. He hummed lightly as he got all his things ready and started to leave.

It was a quiet day, at least for Detroit. Mark was relaxed, happy as he was off for the weekend. He got to his door without a hitch.

Mark’s keys jingled as he twisted them in the lock, pushing the door open. Then he heard a step… A noise of shock slipped past his lips as someone pushed him forward to the ground and took the key out of the lock, slamming and locking the door shut.

“You know, I’ve been watching you for a long time, beautiful.”

Fear coiled in Mark’s stomach as a male voice spoke, feeling hands on his body.

“No, no, no, no, s-stop!” Mark whined as his shirt was forced off. One of his hands reached up to try and punch the stranger, but whoever the man was pinned him down and punched his nose.

Blood gushed out of his shattered nose and Mark screamed, tears spilling down his cheeks. “S-Stop…!” His voice was broken and wet as the man grabbed a fistful of Mark’s hair.

He yanked on Mark’s faux hawk, snarling; “You better behave, _Mark_. You’re MINE and I’m gonna do what I want ta do to you. I certainly payed enough.” The words sent chills down Mark’s spine, and he gave a sob.

Oh god, how did this man know his name…? Payed enough…?! Another sob wrenched from Mark’s lips, tears streaming down his cheeks freely. “Ple-ease!” He begged, weakly trying to push the other off.

The man’s green eyes flashed angrily and he backhanded Mark, hard. Mark’s head snapped to the side, blood and tears dripping to the floor as he went limp, only half conscious.

Mark felt the man start to tug his pants off, giving a low, keening sob. He could barely breathe, nose not working properly and panic constricting his lungs.

Ragged half breaths tumbled in and out his mouth as the last bit of clothing slipped off him.

Mark sobbed, a half moan mixing in against his will as the man stroked his limp member.

“S-Stop… Ple-e-eas-se…” Mark mumbled brokenly.

The man continued, grabbing Mark by his jaw with his other hand, forcing him to look up into sickening green eyes. “Hush now. Yer in no position to be askin’ me anything, beautiful.”

Mark’s next breath was a sharp inhale, vision blurring from tears. He felt the blood rush to his member slowly, half up, before the man sighed impatiently. He realized he wasn’t going to get Mark really up anytime soon.

He made quick work of his own clothing, before he reached down to stroke Mark’s cheek… gently. He was hard already, green eyes flashing in the dim lighting, full of sick, sadistic lust.

A few more pleas streamed from Mark’s mouth as he shook hard, tears still cascading down his cheeks, mixing with the blood from his nose. The salty, iron taste made him completely sick.

He felt the man place his hands on the back of Mark’s thighs, forcing his legs up. Mark didn’t have enough strength to fight back, dizzy and weak.

A long, broken scream burst from Mark’s chest when suddenly the other rammed into him, dry. Mark felt his insides tear up as more shrieks spilled from him and he writhed, tears spilling harder.

“Hush, beautiful. You probably aren’t used to such a big cock. Don’t worry, it’ll get a little easier.”

Mark gave a pained whine, a shaky half moan mixing in against his will.

The man pulled back to slam into Mark hard, setting a swift, merciless pace.

Mark continued to shriek, even as blood now drenched his thighs, lubricating him and making the pain slightly less.

It still hurt.

Oh god did it hurt, only pain taking over his thoughts. Mark felt sick. His chest and throat ached from the screaming and realization that oh god, he’d lost his innocence, his everything.

Mark felt the man release deep inside him, giving another shaky moan as the man plunged into his prostate again, vision still blurred with tears and pain…

“Aww, ya didn’t even cum yet…” Mark started to beg for him to stop again as the man started to rock in and out slowly, jerking his member.

Mark felt the man cum again, barely feeling as he followed close behind, shutting off. His screams had stopped a few minutes ago, nearly numb.

Sweat clung to his empty body, pain ebbing away as he started to slip out of consciousness, unfocused. He’d gone into shock now, not really noticing as the man actually took a shower and left.

He left the keys on the table, leaving Mark bleeding and broken on the floor of the living room.

The half Korean stayed in a hazy half consciousness for nearly the whole weekend, before he was finally able to stand.

Dried blood caked on his face and thighs, dried cum mixing in on the delicate skin of his legs.

It hurt.

Mark forced himself to go shower, cleaning away the horrid evidence that had clung to his body before putting on comfortable sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

And then he threw up.

Bile splashed into the toilet as he dry heaved. Mark was starving, he hadn’t eaten all weekend… and he still felt dirty.

He would never be able to forget the feel of that monster’s hands on him. Never forget the feeling of his insides tearing up.

Never forget those sickening green eyes.

Mark nearly puked again.

Mark started to the door, waddling over to grab his keys and glasses and go down his stairs.

Dull pain ached through his body as he limped to his car, getting in. Mark started it up, but he was still hazy, resting his head on the steering wheel. Instead, he turned off the car and forced himself back up to his apartment, grabbing his phone.

The first thing he did was call Wade. He was shaking as he did so, giving a small mewl of pain as he shifted. The other answered quickly.

“Mark?! You were supposed to call me yesterday!”

Mark stayed silent a few moments, before he gave a sob.

Wade froze. “… Mark?”

“Oh god, it hurts…” Mark whimpered, fresh tears filling his eyes. He took a shaky breath that made his chest quake.

“What- What happened- Mark, what are you talking about…?” Wade breathed, giving a sharp swallow. Worry nestled into his stomach. What was going on…?

“H-He… It hurts…” Mark sobbed, not even bothering to wipe away the new tears. “Th-There was so m-much bl-blood…” He mumbled, eyes shutting.

Wade felt cold. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but someone had hurt Mark… badly. “Mark, I’ll be right there- I’ll even bring Bob o-or Tyler, or Matt.”

“… C-Can you just come?”

Wade was almost stunned. Mark only wanted him…? “Of course. I’ll be right over.”

Mark said his goodbye and pocketed the phone. He was only 22, he was in college for medical engineering, not only did he find out his Youtube channel was terminated and he might lose his job soon, but this monster had to destroy him?

The world really hated him…

Mark nearly jumped out of his skin when Wade unlocked the door and came in. Mark looked up at his friend, hand coming up to graze over his broken nose.

His left cheek and eye were swollen, tear tracks drying down his face.

“Wade… O-Oh god, it f-fucking hurts…” Mark whined, shaking.

Wade quickly rushed to Mark, hugging him comfortingly.

Mark’s breathing hitched, before he relaxed in Wade’s hold, shaking hard. He didn’t speak, just held onto him tightly, eyes shutting.

“… Wh-What happened…?” Wade whispered, taking a shaky breath.

Mark hesitated, before he gave a hard sob.

“H-He hurt me… broke my nose, slapped me, t-took… My cl-clothes off…” Mark pulled Wade closer, shaking violently. He felt disgusting, hoping Wade wouldn’t think less of him, wouldn’t push him away.

Wade felt numb as he realized what that meant, almost frozen. “… M-Mark… Please don’t tell me he… He didn’t… Did he?”

Mark stayed silent, before he gave a soft, slow nod.

Tears welled up in Wade’s eyes and he gave a small noise of despair.

“… He wouldn’t stop… There was so much b-blood… Wade, it hurts…” Mark whimpered, somehow able to produce more tears. Oh god, he ached. Especially down there. He felt like he’d been torn in half.

Wade shushed him as sweetly as he could manage, trying to stop his own tears as well as Mark’s. “It’s going to be ok, Mark… I need to take you to a hospital.”

Wade helped Mark to his car, getting ready to drive. He fiddled with the keys a moment, before, “Can you… Tell me something more about it…?”

Mark stared down at his legs, taking a shaky breath. He tried to find the words, swallowing the lump in his throat. He knew he should tell Wade something, anything, get it off his chest before he dived headfirst into suicidal and self harming tendencies, before he broke even more if it were possible… It was getting hard to breathe again, but…

“… H-He just shoved h-himself into me… O-Oh god, it hurt s-so much, I w-was screaming… Th-There was so much blood… S-So much pa-ain, I could barely th-think… A-And then he was… G-God, it f-felt like I was being s-split in two… A-And he didn’t… Didn’t s-stop when he… when h-he ca-ame… Only when I d-did… H-He came, i-inside me… twice b-before I did o-once…”

Mark’s shoulders were shaking as he cried, holding himself. But he’d did it, said something… He’d tried, anything to make Wade happy… It didn’t make him feel any better, though. In fact, it made him want to die even more.

Wade had to take a few deep breaths to calm down. Mark had been… Whoever hurt Mark was going to regret it. He was going to make sure of it.

Wade started up the car and started toward the hospital.

Mark watched the world fly past, resting his forehead against the window. “.. h-he knew who I was… H-He knew… But I-I don’t know who he is…”

Wade stopped at the hospital, silent for awhile, before, “I’ll call whoever you want me to call-“ Wade let Mark mumble a few names before he continued, “Alright, y-you’re mom first.” before getting out and helping Mark toward the ER.

“What’s wrong?” A nurse asked as he quickly came up to them. Mark looked up at the nurse, giving a small whimper. “I-It hurts…”

The nurse blinked in surprise, before he looped an arm around him, helping Mark limp to a room.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Mark squirmed a little. “… H-He… S-Stranger, attacked… Hurt me…”

He took a shuddering breath, wiping away the tears. Mark dressed into the hospital gown in the bathroom and got into the bed, moaning in pain and hunger.

As another nurse quickly went off to get him food, Wade came in.

“… Your mom’s on her way… So’s Bob, Tyler, and Matt…” Wade scratched the back of his neck, giving a bite to his lip. He really didn’t want to tell Mark the bad news…

“W-What about Thomas?”

Mark’s words left a sting in Wade’s chest. He hated having to tell Mark, especially after how low and meek Mark’s words were.

“… He’s… Not coming.”

Mark froze, and Wade looked away, wincing.

“D-Did you tell him… What happened? Is he really… Still mad at me?” Mark asked softly, tears stuck in his eyes. It was a wonder how Mark could still be crying.

Wade had to nod. He’d only told Thomas and Mark’s mom, let Mark tell their friends… And Thomas… Wade has always hated Thomas. Never understood why Mark looked up to him and tried to keep in touch so much.

Mark gave a noise of despair and dug his palms into his eyes to stop the tears.

Wade gave a small exhale and went over to thread a hand through Mark’s hair.

The broken man went rigid before he relaxed into the touch, leaning toward Wade.

“… I… Thank you…” Wade sat down beside the bed, continuing his gentle administrations.

“… I love you. Like you were my real brother. Not- Not like Thomas. I trust and love you. Not… Thomas…” Mark mumbled.

Wade, for the most part, only stuttered in his movements minutely, not showing much of his shock.

“You want the truth? I love you too.” Wade answered, reaching forward to plant a soft kiss to Mark’s forehead.

Mark glanced up at Wade with a small, tired smile.

“I came as fast as I could, what happened?!” Matt’s voice came from the door, and Mark turned glassy eyes toward him. For a moment, Matt’s blue eyes just stared back, before realization dawned on him.

Mark rested his head back as Matt took a chair beside the bed. Silence fell upon the three, before, “What did whoever did this… Do?”

Mark turned his head to look at Matt, before he forced himself up, wincing and giving a whimper of pain.

Matt pushed Mark back, gentle. “Don’t strain yourself… Be careful. Just lay back, relax…” He soothed.

Mark let the other push him back, eyes shutting. It took a few moments before Mark gathered up enough courage to say anything. He hated this, hated that he was so broken after… But somehow he was able to talk about it.

Like it was a death.

He’d been able to talk about his father’s death, not easily but he’d been able to say it with finality and tears and hesitation.

He’d never refused to talk about it, just with hesitation.

He was hesitatingly talking about his own death.

“… He attacked me…” Mark finally spoke after the realization, though he couldn’t make anymore tears. He was too tired to cry. His voice was definitely shaky enough to make you think he was crying, though. “Sh-Shoved himself into me…”

Mark dissolved into broken dry whimpers, hands coming up to cover his face as suddenly his mind thought only of the unwelcome hands, the violation, the pain…

A slam from Matt’s side caused Mark to hazily look over.

Matthias had punched his thigh, anger showing clearly on his face. “… That son of a… He’s going to pay for what he did.”

Mark relaxed finally, eyes shutting, falling asleep. He already started to have a nightmare, but there was still Wade’s hand in his hair that kept him calm enough to not lash out. When he awoke, his mother was in the room.

Mark sat up, giving a small whine of pain. His mom immediately looked over, shoving her phone into her purse.

“… I think we should keep the attack and… ‘rape’ a secret. If we go to the police, they won’t believe you, you don’t know who your attacker is.”

Wade froze, looking over at her. “E-Excuse me?! We can find him, whoever did this can’t get **away** with it!”

But Mark had already taken her words to heart, eyes looking down to the sheets, hands tightening on them.

“… Maybe she’s right...”

Immediately, Matt popped up. “No, no, she’s not, we can’t let this man… win… Because you’re going to be ok, a-and we’re going to get you justice!”

Mark glanced at Matt, reaching up to rub at his eyes. “Who’s going to believe me? You guys only do because you know me… Even Thomas-!”

A voice across the room startled him, eyes wide as he looked to Bob sitting on the other side of the room. “If your mom had allowed the rape kit you would have the proof.”

“It’s been 3 days. The evidence is basically gone.” Mark’s mom spoke.

Mark froze, looking to his mom in confusion. “What… day is it?”

“Monday.” That was Tyler’s voice, across the room.

Mark shifted, wincing again, before he squinted his eyes at his mom. “How did you know it’s been 3 days…?” He asked.

His mom straightened, eyes narrowed at him angrily. “Are you trying to accuse me of something?”

“The evidence won’t be gone after 3 days.” Wade spoke up in distrust. “So I’m going to call for a rape kit.” He finished, calling for the nurse.

Mark’s mom quickly spoke, venomously; “If you embarrass me like this, don’t bother calling me your mother.”

Mark went limp, tears welling up in his eyes. “M-Mom…?”

The nurse came into the room, sweeping her hair back to see them better. “Is there a problem?”

Mark glanced around the room, before his eyes settled onto his mom. “… I… I guess… no-!”

“My friend needs to be checked, a rape kit, something to alleviate his pain down there, and for you to fix where he was torn.” Bob answered for him.

Mark’s mom shook her head a few time and left the room, brushing past the nurse.

Mark looked down in shame. “… I’m not… Going to tell the police. Not… With what my mom has been saying…”

Wade looked away, covering his face.

Mark glanced toward him, blinking. “… I… I just…”

Wade waved him off a little and stood, mumbling, “It’s ok.” Before he left the room.

“We- We’re just worried about you…” Matt’s voice was quiet, and Mark hissed in pain as the nurse started to usher them out so he could do the rape kit. Mark was now sitting up, staring after them.

“… I know.”


	2. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SELF HARM BEFORE THE FIRST SMALL LINE BREAK AND AT THE END !!!

_5 years later…_

Mark watched the blood spill down his thighs, white knuckling the knife in his hand. It was a stupid decision to do right now when Jack was going to be here so soon, but he couldn’t help it, sobs rolling through his chest as he thinks about how stupid he was being.

Not that Jack would care. Mark knew that he didn’t, could feel it in his bones. None of his friends cared. People got sick of him, especially if they knew… Mark felt sick.

It’s the alcohol, stinging his throat and making his chest cold and hot at the same time, his heart hammering against his ribs painfully. He can still hear words swimming in his mind, still feel unwelcome hands and the ache between his legs from 5 years earlier.

He can still remember screaming when his father died, remember his mother and brother both blaming it on him. Back when he was 12 and life being permanent suddenly wasn’t a thing anymore.

And those thoughts made him slice at his skin again.

He wondered if he’d be able to keep this hidden, when some of the cuts were probably in need of medical attention and would scar horribly.

The red is close to the scarlet of his hair.

It scared him, licking his cracked and dry lips as he dropped the bloody knife into the sink, taking a few ragged breaths.

It had been an accident, cutting so much that his head was spinning.

It might have been his panic attack he had suddenly been thrown into, but with how much blood he’d lost…

He pulled himself up, taking a few slow steps out the room and toward the closet.

Mark needed the first aid kit, needed to stop the loss of blood before he passed out…

He’d taken it too far, quickly washing away the blood with a warm washcloth, wrapping his legs and arms.

He needed sleep…

\------

Jack finished his packing, pulling his luggage over to the taxi that he’d called.

God, he’d gotten a really early flight, blearily blinking at the time.

2:37 AM.

He had to be there in a little less than an hour.

It’d taken a lot to get the ticket, but it had been worth it.

He was going to see not only Mark, but his other friends too!

Spending the whole time sleeping at Mark’s house, however… Jack felt a knot in his stomach.

He was worried about the interaction, honestly.

Jack didn’t want to ruin the friendship with Mark that had honestly become one of his top two just because he may have had a small, well, big crush.

Mark and Felix, his two best friends...

Jack fell asleep on the plane, groggily opening his eyes only when the plane had started coming down and the woman he’d sat next too had nicely awakened him and told him they were there.

Jack got off the plane, quickly grabbing his baggage before he saw Mark.

Jack felt something was off immediately. He couldn’t place his finger on what, though.

Maybe it was the way Mark was wearing a long sleeved shirt and jeans when it was blazing out.

Or the way Mark looked extremely exhausted.

Either way, a kernel of worry nestled in his stomach. But he couldn’t ask, he didn’t want to pry…

Mark walked up to him, giving him a small smile.

“Hello, Mr. McLoughlin~. Need help with your bags?”

Jack snorted, pulling the two suitcases behind him. “I think ‘a can manage, Fischbach.”

Mark chuckled, rushing a hand through his red hair.

Jack couldn’t help but bite his lip as a peek of white flashed from underneath his sleeve. Gauze?

“Come on then. We have to get to my house at a reasonable time.”

Jack hated the silence in the car.

It wouldn’t have been that bad, if Mark hadn’t been so tense suddenly and Jack hadn’t felt a gnawing sense of worry build up inside him.

But he’d have to ignore it, shaking his head slowly to rid himself of the thoughts.

“Do you ever listen to music?”

“Hah! No, not really. Only if I get in a bit of a sad mood, I guess.”

Jack glanced over at his American friend, blowing a strand of green out of his eyes.

“What do you listen to, then?”

“Does it matter?”

Jack’s jaw clicked as he shut his mouth. The Irishman had a tendency to take conversations to far, make it uncomfortable for the other party. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t, not without making Mark feel bad…

And that was top on the list of Jack, Do Not Do This.

“Nah, guess it doesn’t. Jus’ curious, was all.”

Mark nodded slowly, shrugging.

“Songs by Lund. Some songs by EDEN are good. Glass Animals. Regina Spektor. I dunno.”

Jack wanted to ask what songs, specifically, but he felt that if Mark had gotten defensive and then shared this little bit, that was all he was going to get.

It was a few minutes before they got to Mark’s house, thankfully.

Jack had hated how uncomfortable it had gotten, though he did wonder why.

Usually, Mark and Jack went together better than chocolate and peanut butter, but at the moment, they seemed to go together like pickles and cookies.

And Mark had been the pickle.

Jack had immediately been greeted by Chica, though Mark had shied away from her jumping on him… Odd…

“Hungry? You gotta be after that long plane ride.”

Jack glanced up at Mark, before nodding.

Yes, Jack had been hungry. He didn’t eat much anyways; in fact, he was a bit underweight.

When he ate, however, he ate until he was basically bursting... Then didn’t eat for an unhealthy amount of time.

Mark had started searching his fridge, moving up to the freezer.

“I have cereal… Pizza-!”

“Ah! Pizza!”

Mark looked over at his loud friend, grinning a bit. “Woah, Jack. Sounds like you’re really excited. I’ll make the pizza now.” Mark started preheating the oven, before he turned and asked, “Want me to show you your room?”

Jack nodded, as Mark quickly grabbed Jack’s suitcases and led the way to the guest room.

“Mark! I can do that m’self!” Jack shouted, rushing after him.

Mark set the cases down in front of the room before Jack could grab them from him.

“This is your room. There’s a bathroom right here next to it, if you need to go or shower…”

Mark opened the door on the right of the end room, before pointing to the left one. “That’s my room, and I have a bathroom connected to it, so don’t use this bathroom, since it has a door out to the hall as well as one from my room.”

Mark realized it was probably sounding a bit douchey not letting Jack use his bathroom, but there was a reason.

The main knife, the pills… At least he’d kept anything else that he basically _tortured_ himself with in his closet.

Mark idly wondered if having Jack sleep at his house was a bad idea…

“And the room at the end--- er, beginning I guess, is the recording room, so when you need…”

Jack had traveled into his room, throwing his suitcases on the guest bed. “Oooh, nice room!”

Mark let out a small half laugh, shaking his head at his friend.

“You’re a dork, Jack.”

“You know it!”

The green haired leprechaun was bouncing giddily around the room, quickly starting to unpack.

“Need help?”

“Mark, yer gonna burn your house down. Th’ pizza?”

“Shit!”

Mark quickly ran off to the kitchen, opening the oven that had been beeping and wailing for his attention, putting the pizza in it.

The running had been strenuous, Mark giving a few ragged, pained breaths as he felt his legs scream in agony.

Shit, it had been way too much last night, and Mark just wanted the pain to stop.

He needed Tylenol for his newfound headache.

Jack watched the other rush off, chuckling a bit before he quickly started to put his clothes into the guest closet and drawers. He was going to be there for a few months, so obviously he wasn’t going to keep them in his suitcases.

Four months, to be exact.

It had been an impulse thing, deciding to go over for so long, but it had been a great decision, he thought.

He hoped.

Jack wanted a beer. Of course, he’d have to go out for alcohol. Mark didn’t drink, it wasn’t safe, said the doctor. Could cause Mark to have another heart attack.

Mark was dizzy suddenly.

It was probably due to him aggravating basically ALL of his new cuts, opening a few of them.

Because of it, he was having another panic attack.

He slid to the floor, pushing Chica away lightly with an apology, anything to gain control of his breathing before Jack found him.

By the time he did, Jack had finished unpacking and the pizza was burnt.

“Jesus, Mark… Maybe cooking really isn’t yer strongsuit.”

Mark gave a weak laugh at that, looking at the crispy pizza slices he’d cut up.

“Hey, it’s still edible.”

“Eh… Better than anything I can do.”

Jack ate it slowly. It wasn’t too bad, though it wasn’t gooey and fluffy like a good pizza should be. Oh well, pizza was pizza.

Mark watched the table as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, sighing slightly and tilting his head.

“Jack, I’m kind of tired. I think I’m going to get to sleep.”

“Mark, it’s only 4 in th’ afternoon.”

Mark glanced up at the clock, sighing a bit in disappointment.

“Right… Damn it. Fuck, wanna play a game then?”

Jack shrugged, nodding a bit. “Sure. What game?”

“Uh… Crap. Board game? Clue or something?”

Jack snorted, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Yeah, sure! I call Miss Scarlet.”

“God damn it! Well fine, I’ll be Mr. Green then.”

Mark pretty much won almost every round, till the last one.

Jack cheered as the cards in the middle were his guess, Mark smiling at him.

He’d let Jack win, already knowing what the answer was 2 turns ago.

“Woah, we’ve been playin’ this fer 2 hours!”

Mark glanced at the clock. 6… Damn, Mark was tired.

And as the day dwindled down, so did Mark’s happiness.

God, what Mark would do for something to drown out his mind.

“Want to watch a movie? I have… Quite a lot.” Mark laughed a bit. That wasn’t enough to just say that.

Mark had a **lot** of movies, all in cabinets and above his TV in the TV room.

Jack bounded over toward it, blinking in surprise. “Understatement of th’ year. Have you even seen all of these?”

Mark shrugged, sitting on the couch and letting Jack put in a movie.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World started playing, which Jack seemed to be happy with finding.

Jack turned to ask if Mark even knew the movie, before he sighed.

Mark was asleep, snoring softly in the most uncomfortable position, neck leaning to the side without a rest. Jack went over and layed him down on the couch, sitting with Mark’s head in his lap as he pressed play on the movie.

By the time Knives was heartbroken by Scott, Jack was nodding off as well.

It was probably jet lag, but he figured that now was the time he and Mark should get up and get to their rooms.

“Mark~. Markimoo~?”

Jack gently tried to awaken the sleeping man.

Mark’s eyes snapped open and he shot up, wincing in pain. “God… Fell asleep?”

“Yeah…” Jack worriedly stared at Mark. He wondered why Mark was in pain, or why he’d seemed frightened for a moment…

“It’s, uh… ‘a think we should get some sleep in our beds.”

“Sounds good…”

Jack brushed his teeth vigorously, watching himself in the mirror. Damn, he looked like a tired mess.

He needed sleep.

As he finished up in the bathroom and went to his new room, he sighed. Maybe he should have asked for bedding earlier.

“Hey Mark?”

Jack wandered out the room, looking for his American friend.

“Mark?!”

Mark’s bedroom door was cracked open.

Jack slowly pushed it open, looking in.

His skin paled, bottom jaw dropping as he stared at _red_.

“H-Hey… Hey! Fuck, stop!”

Jack threw open the door and rushed forward to take the knife away from Mark and toss it away.

“My f- jesu- What th’ fuck?!”

Mark stared up with wide, terrified eyes as he shook.

Blood was dripping from his arms onto his thighs, then all the way to the ground, splashing against tile.

“… I… Jack… You weren’t supposed to see that…”

Jack’s jaw clicked. That wasn’t right, none of this was right…

“Mark… Why… Why did you… A-Are you…”

Mark shakily pulled himself up to a standing position, wincing.

“… Jack, I’m… broken…”

Blue eyes glanced away.

“… w-wanna… Wanna e-explain…?”

That wasn’t what Mark expected.

He expected… being called pathetic.

He expected Jack to leave, he expected…

He didn’t expect Jack to want to know why…

Mark stared up at him, before nodding slowly.

“If… If you’re sure… I can… tell you… Tomorrow, though, please.”

Jack stared at his friend, before slowly nodding. “Tomorrow then. I’m holdin’ you to that.”

“… yeah…”

“Where’s yer first aid kit?”


	3. Ours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... nothing really graphic, just drugs, knives, Mark talking about his past...  
> Still pretty messed up.

Mark awoke to the smell of food cooking. It made his stomach grumble, as he pushed himself off his bed and winced at the slight pain from the movement.

While Jack had said that Mark could talk with him about it today instead of last night, Jack had taken it upon himself to clean Mark up and help out with making sure Mark didn’t get an infection.

Mark wasn’t sure how to feel about any of this.

On one hand, Jack hadn’t left yet…

On the other, Mark knew it was a matter of time before Jack left him, in worse condition than before.

Other than Matt, Wade, Bob, and Tyler, anyone who ever found out about anything that had happened in his past, whatever blurb he told, either wasn’t believed or…

Mark’s throat burned with the urge to cry as the thought he had started to plague him.

“You’re making breakfast…?”

Mark had followed his nose and now saw Jack, happily cooking breakfast food and listening to music.

Mark raised his eyebrow. “And is that… Taylor Swift?”

“Hey! It’s before she fell into a bad slump, ok?!”

“It’s still about a relationship, like always.”

Jack’s pout made Mark laugh a bit, as Jack started to sing along. Loudly and badly.

“ _So don’t you worry yer pretty little mind!!! People throw rocks at things that shine--!!_ ”

“Ok, ok! Jesus, only dolphins could hear that!”

Jack set one finished plate in front of Mark at the table and sat across from him, having finally turned off his music.

For a moment, it was silent, Jack hesitating only a moment before he asked softly, “… why did ya do it?”

Mark’s hand stilled, fork mere centimeters from his open mouth before he set it down and grimaced.

“… I was… Stuck in a few memories.”

Jack cracked his knuckles lightly, looking away. He mulled over what to say next, not wanting to fuck anything up.

“… care to elaborate?”

Mark sighed, having known Jack was going to say something like that. He hadn’t wanted him too, obviously, but it was to be expected.

“… My… My dad died of cancer, you know?”

“… Yeah…”

Mark took a shaky breath, feeling those cry baby tears fill his eyes.

“… I had… Been living with him. He’d gotten sole custody, after my mother and him divorced… She blamed me for that, since she’d ch-cheated on him and had me… No one said anything, so the court didn’t know… They divorced when I was eight. P-Previously… My mom… Didn’t like me… Like at all… She… Used to hurt me, let my brother hurt me… Once, she told me that I had been such a horrible kid that I wasn’t going to get anything for Christmas, even though I’d been fine… My dad gave me something anyways, which caused a fight… She used to tell my brother to beat up any kid that came to play with me…”

His thoughts wandered over to the sickly little girl he’d played with for years, Anna. He remembered how he had selfishly hoped she would die from it so the police could find out and they could get him out of that hell hole… But it had only been a passing thought. Mark had never really wanted it, he just… Wanted out…

“A-Anyways… My dad… Loved and cared for me for 4 years, until I was 12, before he… My mom blamed it on me, told me I was an evil kid, that because of me not only weren’t they together, but my dad couldn’t afford good enough medical help and I’d stressed him out too much and he’d died way to early… She…”

Jack had already started crying. He hated having to listen to this, throat blocked by a lump of emotion. He wanted to listen, yes, to help and understand but having to think of Mark going through… _this_ …

“She got custody of me again and made my life… Even worse… She used to… dress me up in dresses and let her friend, Cherise, touch me, for money…”

Jack snapped up to look at Mark in shock. Wait…

“Sh-She… Like… S-Sexually…?” Jack regretted the question as soon as Mark looked away in shame.

“… n-never went _too_ far, really… Cherise w-would touch, make me touch her… Kiss… A f-few times, she’d s-stick her… F-Fingers… I-I’m sorry…”

Jack feverently shook his head. “No, no, don’t apologize, please…”

Mark glanced up and bit his lip.

“… it got w-worse when I moved out and… I turned 22… She… Sold me too a guy and he… W-Went all the way…”

Mark’s voice cracked and broke away as tears spilled down his cheeks. It had all been too much, finally.

The two worst parts of his life; his dad’s death and his own.

When Mark had finally died inside after so much he’d survived. It wasn’t fair.

“I-I found out about it… Way too late to say anything… And then… I had an abusive g-girlfriend, Lily… And an abusive boyfriend, Gale, who both did the same exact thing because I kept saying no but it wasn’t worse than the first time… I-I deserved it but it’s not…”

Fair. Mark had been broken by so many people. He couldn’t help but wonder why.

Of course, his mother had told him why.

Mark was a horrible human being. He didn’t deserve to be alive, much less be happy.

A more apt description was he was easy to hurt.

“… Mark…”

Chocolate eyes glanced up to see tears cascading down pale cheeks in riverlets.

“M-Mark, I’m so s-sorry ya had to go th-through that… Please… Jus’… Let me help y-you… You didn’t deserve it, please b-believe me…”

Mark gave a shaky exhale. He didn’t believe Jack. But he gave a nod anyways. Anything to make Jack stop crying.

Jack didn’t deserve to cry over something so insignificant.

\----

“F-Four, Jack.”

Jack looked up in confusion as he sat on the other side of couch, tilting his head at his best friend.

“What?”

“… I-I’ve been violated by four people in my life, Jack. If I didn’t deserve it, then why did all four of them decide they wanted too?”

Jack didn’t know how to answer, exactly. He knew for a fact that Mark hadn’t deserved it, of course, but how was he going to explain how there are just a lot of horrible people in the word without causing Mark to go into a depressive state, worse than this?

“… because… There are some shit people out there. And those fuckers saw you and decided to crush something so beautiful.”

Beautiful.

Shit.

“… what…?”

“Mark, yer nice and kind an’ help people. People throw rocks at things that shine, remember?”

Mark couldn’t help but give a weak laugh.

“Did you just reference that song from this morning?”

“It’s a good fucking song!”

After the two had settled down a bit, watching the movie Mark had put on, Jack looked at the clock.

They’d spent hours doing nothing, and it was already 8 at night.

“Mark… I want ta help you.”

Mark glanced up, biting the inside of his cheek.

“… Can you please give me yer knives and shit?”

Mark knew it was going to come up eventually.

After a shaky sigh, Mark stood and toddled over to his room, Jack following close behind.

Mark wasn’t fast. He was in pain from yesterday’s and the day before’s cuts, but he was getting there.

After quickly going to his bathroom and grabbing the knife he hid in there, deliberately not giving the pills, he went to his closet.

Jack watched in something akin to horror as Mark shakily pulled out two more knives, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of whiskey, and a small bag of…

“Is… Is that f-fuckin’… Cocaine…?”

Mark looked down at it, shame on his face.

“I’m not addicted to it, really. I don’t need it or anything. It’s just sometimes I get flashbacks really, really bad, where it skews reality and it helps drive it away… I don’t need it or anything, I rarely ever use, it’s just for emergencies…”

It was the truth, too. He’d bought 40 grams in his whole life, and he’d been using for 4 years. There was about 6 grams left, seeing as Mark falling into flashbacks was actually rare, though when it happened...

“… I… Mark, h-how…”

“I’m more addicted to cutting than cocaine, Jack…”

Jack took the items, holding them close.

Mark had no need to give Jack the suicide note he had written, no need to show Jack his final lament, no need to show Jack the date…

“… Mark… Fucking Christ, y-you could die from all this… H-Hell, you’re not even allowed ta _drink_ …”

Mark glanced to the floor, shoving his hands in his pockets.

For a long while, Jack stared at Mark in shock.

“… D… Do you want to… Die…?”

Mark looked up, glaring lightly. “What do you care?”

Jack blinked in surprise. “What?”

“Why are you still acting like you care? This has happened before, okay? People pretend to give two shits but they don’t… Why are you taking it so far?! God--- you should be laughing at me, hurting me… You should be just like Gale and Lily and my friend Chris and---“

“That’s not fair!”

Mark jolted in surprise as Jack dropped the things in his arms, hands balled into fists.

“I’m nothing like them! Why th’ fuck are you lumping me in with them?! I care about you so much and you know it! Damnit, Mark, I love you!”

Mark blinked slowly, hands shaking a bit.

He guessed it wasn’t fair.

Wait…

“L-Love…? J-Jack… Quit it, th-this isn’t f… Stop lying, s-stop… Doing this… Quit fucking bringing my hopes up…”

Jack swallowed nervously. Obviously, he hadn’t meant to slip that in, but it’s created a fight and Jack knew that they both needed space.

Jack scooped up the items from the floor, glancing away.

“… I’m gonna go dispose of this…”

“Right.”

Mark’s voice held a tinge of anger, though it had definitely subsided.

Jack had to prove that he cared, soon. Mark didn’t think love like Jack had meant, so that was a plus, but Mark didn’t trust Jack, even after the years they knew each other…

“Mark… I… I’m sorry. Fer yellin’ at ya.”

Mark snorted, nodding. “Just go get rid of the stuff…”

Jack glanced away and nodded, before he rushed away.

It was a few moments before he’d glance down at the items, away from Mark.

Well… Jack could take the Vodka and Whiskey, that wasn’t so bad.

It was a moment before he decided to slip one of the knives and the bag of cocaine into his things as well.

He couldn’t help it.

Just as an emergency, for himself.

Tonight was going to be a long night.

Of course it had to be cocaine. The one thing Jack had been addicted to so long ago.

Of course it had to be cutting, the one thing he’d barely been able to stop doing himself a long time ago.

Fuck.


	4. Settle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF PEDOPHILIA AND MOLESTATION !!!  
>  It's the italic part right at the beginning, which you can skip without missing anything.

_Mark whimpered slightly as his mother tied the bow around his waist tightly, looking away. He hated wearing the dress, blue drowning out the shame splashed on his cheeks._

_“M-Mom… I d-don’t want to wear this…”_

_“Mark, I don’t want to have to punish you. Quiet and let me finish.”_

_It was money being passed from that creepy lady his mother hung out with to her, as Mark stared with childish, innocent chocolate eyes._

_Maria looked down at her son, smiling sickly sweet. “Now be good for Cherise, alright? Do everything she says. And if she tells me you weren’t a good listener, I’ll grab the belt again.”_

_Mark’s bottom lip jutted out as he nodded. “Y-Yes, Ma’am…”_

_He hated the belt. His mother usually whipped him with it till he was bleeding, and he hated that…_

_“Thanks, Maria. If all goes well, this might be a small steady income, hahaha…”_

_“Small? Cherise, you gave me $400!”_

_“He’s worth a lot, Maria. He really is.”_

_Mark didn’t like how they were talking about him like that, watching his mother leave him there at Cherise’s house._

_He can’t help but whimper as suddenly a skilled, gentle hand was rubbing through his hair slowly, before she gave a quick yank to his hair._

_Mark gave a quick almost shriek of surprise and slight pain._

_“Oh, hey, it’s ok sweetie. Come on, let’s go to the couch.”_

_Mark didn’t like this, but with the memory of the threat looming over him, he quickly rushed to listen, tugging at the dress that was on him. He just wanted to go home and play the video games his dad had bought him a before he died, not be here with this lady who he’d never liked in the first place._

_“Good boy~.”_

_Mark whined as her fingers were suddenly everywhere, tugging at his dress lightly, reaching her hand up it to rest on…_

_“W-What are you doing…?!”_

_“Oh, Mark… You’re such a young little boy aren’t you… 13, right? Certainly old enough to know what I’m doing, right?”_

_And Mark hates it but he has an inkling of what’s happening, biting harshly into his lip._

_“Here; give me your hand.”_

_Mark shakily let her have his hand, not really wanting too but still worried about a punishment if he says no._

_Cherise placed his hand on her breast, forcing Mark to squeeze._

_“Mhm… See? And while you do that…”_

_And then she’s basically tearing the dress off him, not caring that the strap is now broken, just that one of his nipples is out in the open._

_“… I-I don’t… Want to do this…”_

_But Cherise didn’t listen, reaching over to suck on Mark’s sensitive skin._

_Mark jolted, whimpering and nearly pushing her away but he can’t, he can’t…_

_And she’s fucked up in the head, pulling off her own shirt and pulling off her bra._

_“It’s your turn, baby~…”_

\----

Mark jolted out of bed, screaming and crying and shaking and Jack’s there, blue eyes wide and terrified.

“Mark! Mark, please, it’s me!!!”

Mark’s hands shook, teary chocolate eyes staring up at the shorter man before he flew forward and hugged him and begged for Jack to keep him safe and not let her touch him anymore and please, he needs to drink to sleep better, he needs to be completely knocked out and have no dreams and _please_ …

“Mark, Mark, please, calm down, yer alright! I-I can’t let you have alcohol, you could die, please, c-calm down---!”

Jack wasn’t sure what to do, green mop in his eyes, so bad he can barely even see Mark’s tear stained face.

“Mark, please… Calm… I… I think we need ta take you to therapy or somethin’…”

Mark was finally calm, face pressed in Jack’s chest.

“… I… I don’t want to go to therapy, I’m handling it just fine…”

Mark glanced up, obviously immediately finding the flaw in his words.

“… Please, don’t make me.”

Jack sighed. “I don’t know how to help you, Mark… I can support ya, 100%, but I don’t know how ta _help_ …”

Mark exhaled shakily, letting go of Jack’s shirt and pulling back, wincing as he’s suddenly very much aware of the pain he was feeling from his now split open cuts.

“… You… You really want to help…”

Jack nodded, pushing strands of red out of almond eyes.

“I really fuckin’ do, Mark…”

And Mark just sighs, nodding.

“F-Fine… I’ll try therapy… If!”

Jack jolted a bit at the way Mark’s voice raised.

“… If you sleep in my bed with me tonight… Please… I don’t want any more nightmares…”

Jack nodded, getting up to fix the bed around Mark.

Mark watched him, laying down again.

Chocolate eyes peeking through the darkness clashed with crystal blue as Jack nervously got in the bed.

He pulled himself close to Mark, arm up and about to wrap around him. “Is this ok?”

And then Mark started crying again.

“W-What?! I’m sorry, what did I-?!”

“No, no, I’m happy!”

Mark smiled up at Jack, getting close and wrapping his hands around Jack and _nodding_.

“Yes, it’s ok. I’m so happy y-you asked…”

\----

Jack had poor circulation. So even in this hot and heavy heat, his hands were cold.

“Damn it…!”

Ryan looked over, raising a bro at Jack’s out of context yell.

“Jesus, Jack.”

“Huh? Oh, it’s jus’… My hands’re cold.”

“What?!”

Wade laughed a bit at the interaction, sitting close to Mark under the shade.

Mark wore another long sleeved shirt and jeans, and while Wade hadn’t known everything that Jack now did, he knew what that meant…

“Hey.”

“Hey Wade!”

Mark looked cheerful, like he usually did in the daytime.

He was like a reverse vampire, dying at night, perfectly content and happy in the daytime.

“Are you ok?”

For a moment, Mark looked up at Wade with a soft frown on his face. He wasn’t sure how to answer…

“Better. Except… Jack found out…”

Wade blinked in surprise.

“And… I pretty much told him everything…”

Yeah, Wade looked shocked as all fuck.

Especially since even he didn’t know ‘pretty much everything’.

“… You… You really like him, don’t you?”

Mark looked up, laughing a bit.

“Wouldn’t even matter if I _did_ \- it’s not like he’d ever like me back.”

Wade sighed at Mark’s obliviousness.

Oh well--- it was between them.

“I’m happy you talked about it with someone.”

Mark watched Jack mess around with their other friends, before sighing and resting his chin on the table.

“He told me to get therapy cause he ‘can support me but not help me’, end quote.”

Wade let out a laugh at the pout that suddenly graced Mark’s lips.

Mark was a dork.

“That’s good though! I told you about how you should do that--- wow, I guess you just needed to hear it in a sexy Irish accent~”

It was teasing, Wade didn’t actually think it was sexy, but it was enough to get a rise out of Mark.

Mark lightly pushed him, glaring up at Wade.

“Come on, no need to be like that!”

“Ball--!”

The bouncy supermarket ball hit Mark right in the head, causing Mark to curse and look over at his other friends playing around.

And there’s Matthew, smiling sheepishly.

Mark sighed, quickly getting up to grab the ball and toss it in.

It hit Matthew in the head before bouncing off and onto Bryan’s chest and there’s Matthias laughing as Jack bounces up to try and catch it and why is it so happy?

Mark sat down, almost dizzy from the happiness and laughter and why?

How was life going to rip this away and screw it up for him?

It had to happen eventually, it always did.

A good relationship, and then they turned out to be an asshole…

A happy milestone on his channel, and he’d have to be hospitalized.

Was he finally going to get rid of himself and ruin it? Was Jack going to hate him?

Mark didn’t know how it was going to go sour this time, but it was just a matter of when, not if…

He didn’t deserve happiness.

He knew that by now.

\----

“Mr. Fischbach?”

“Fuck, Jack, why today…?”

Mark sighed as he stood, glancing between the mental health nurse and the green haired leprechaun.

“Come with me?”

“I don’t think I can. ‘m not yer parent or yer spouse, so legally…”

“Marry me.”

Jack snorted as Mark made the desperate plea, before he finally sighed and went in.

Damn it.

“Hello, Mr. Fischbach. Mark, right?”

Mark sighed as he glanced at the lady. Caroline Wischer?

“Uh… Yeah, Dr. Wischer.”

“Oh, please, call me Caroline. So, what brings you here? You can start anywhere.”

Mark glanced up at the kind looking lady.

And he immediately hated this place.

“… problems… My temporary housemate saw me… Harming myself…”

And Caroline’s expression shifted from kind to worried.

And Mark wanted to throw up.

“Why would you harm yourself?”

“I… Just… memories, I guess…”

Mark half expected her to speak condescendingly and ask if he guessed or if he knew, like his mother used to, but she didn’t.

And Mark wanted out.

“Care to explain?”

Cue the internal screaming.

\----

Mark flopped onto his couch and screamed into the pillows.

“Rough time?”

At Jack’s voice, Mark shifted to cast his eyes up at the Irishman.

“No. It was amazing.”

“Hey, no need fer sarcasm.”

“Fine, sorry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna sleep here forever.”

Jack sighed, sitting next to Mark, on the floor.

“… so when’s yer next appointment?”

“… 4 days…”

Jack chuckled as Mark sighed in basic defeat, laying his face on his arm.

“… thank you.”

Jack glanced up, blinking in surprise. “Really? Thought you’d be angry at me fer taking you.”

“I meant for everything, you dingus.”

Jack grinned, before standing.

“Alright, let’s get some sleep. Want me to stay with you again tonight?”

“… please…”


	5. Pool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was mostly written so I wouldn't relapse. In the middle of chapter 7 it stopped working and I did it anyway. Just because it didn't work, I decided I'd still finish it.  
> I hate it, honestly. It's choppy, not my best work, and failed.  
> But here anyways, since I decided to upload it already.  
> I finished it anyways.

Mark had a pool in his backyard.

Not that he used it often; in fact, it went unused because it took off the concealer Mark used when all that he had on his legs and arms were old wounds and scars, and if he had open cuts it made it hurt and was still showed off.

Mark had a way to keep people away from knowing, except at a pool.

Jack, however, knew about the problems…

Saw the scars and the words Mark had carved into his legs back when he was 14 and Cherise saw and got Mark to first let her go farther by the promise that she wouldn’t tell his mother and she’d kept her promise but Mark still wondered if it had been worth it…

Mark never did explain why the words were there, he couldn’t tell Jack…

After uploading one of the day’s videos to his channel, he quietly walked up to Jack.

“… can we go swimming…?”

Jack tilted his head, eyes shining excitedly. “Sure! That sounds fun!”

So that was where life found Mark, sitting on the ledge on the inside of the pool, watching Jack splash around in the actual part of the pool.

Staring down at the light and dark scars scattered across his legs and arms.

He’d always taken it way too far when he cut, almost accidentally ending his own life nearly each time.

Not that he wouldn’t have been alright with it, it’s just…

He had a due date and Mark knew he never actually got on a schedule well, but he wanted to do this at the right time…

“Mark-o!”

Mark looked up, seeing Jack had suddenly started a game, smiling softly.

Maybe…

He dipped into the actually pool, moving a bit. “Jack-o~!”

Jack’s smile grew wider when he realized Mark was playing along, darting to where he’d heard Mark.

Mark stared into the water, a towel wrapped around him. They had gotten out a few minutes ago.

Jack was in the shower, washing chlorine off of him, since Mark had told him to. Thankfully, Jack hadn’t realized they both could have technically taken it at the same time with two bathrooms equipped with showers in the house.

Mark had about 2 and a half more weeks before his due date, so why did he want to jump in and drown himself…?

Mark was shaking, tugging his towel closer, gritting his teeth in an attempt to shake away his anxiety.

He could feel it coil around his lungs, make his stomach feel cold and weighted…

His skin felt tight, stretched way to thin. His bones felt hollow, frail, but he himself felt like he was heavy and drowning already…

His veins ached, his thighs itched, his arms seemed to bubble up with the need to… To…

Mark dropped the towel, rushing into his kitchen and finding one of the sharpest kitchen knives he had.

He couldn’t help it, he’d tried…

He felt pathetic as the cold steel bit into his skin, warm blood dripping down his arms as salty tears went down his cheeks.

“I’m s-sorry…”

He dropped the knife to the ground, holding his arms close to his chest and staining his naked chest with red.

His scarlet hair was sticking to his forehead due to the water from the pool and his own sweat.

He needed to clean up, quickly, before Jack got back but he couldn’t…

Mark needed more, he felt so numb and at the same time like he could feel everything and feeling everything was torturous and he didn’t want to feel it again…

Early wasn’t bad, he could just die now… But…

No, it wouldn’t be fair…

Not to Jack, not to anyone…

Especially since he’d have to upload the apology before he did it, he’d have to grab the note…

So he just cut again, deeper than before, drowning out the superficial ones.

Jack dried his hair with the towel, tossing it into the dirty clothes hamper and quickly getting dressed. He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment.

He didn’t have any scars, surprisingly.

He’d always cut minor, superficial ones that never scarred, back when he was a child…

Jack couldn’t remember ever doing it when he was an adult, which was amazing because he’d certainly felt the urge sometimes…

But never too much, thank god.

Jack had gotten really happy as an adult, even if loneliness…

He gave a shaky sigh, before leaving the bathroom to go find the American.

“Hey, Mark, I-!”

Jack froze at the sight of Mark, huddled in the corner of the kitchen, slicing at his arm…

“M-Mark!”

Jack took the knife away from Mark, tossing it into the sink, holding Mark’s hands with shaky fingers.

Mark just looked down, not daring to look up at Jack. He expected disappointment, and he hated it because he was already disappointed with himself enough…

But Jack just stared at his arms, feeling a stabbing pain in his throat as he cried. He shouldn’t have left Mark alone… Not yet, not after how much Mark had depended on hurting himself to bring himself down to earth…

“… C-C’mon, I’ll get you cleaned up…”

Mark let Jack tug him toward the bathroom, let Jack set him down on the lid of the toilet and start washing his arms and chest with a warm rag.

Mark mumbled an apology, which caused Jack’s movements to stutter.

“… No, I’m sorry… I should’a… Please, if ya ever feel like doin’ this again, talk ta me…” Jack pleaded, looking up at Mark with teary eyes.

Mark shakily sighed, nodding. It was a hollow promise.

He’d never bother Jack with his problems; he never even wanted to pull Jack in as far as he had already…

\----

Mark was pale as he stared at himself in the mirror.

How fucked up was he? Thinking about what he was going to do in not even a month…

Poor Ryan and Matt, he was going to…

Just like Daniel…

He needed to apologize to them, in person, from the heart but it would be a risky move…

Maybe the day he was going to do it…

He looked down at his gauzed up arms, gritting his teeth.

Mark knew he was an idiot, but how could he do something so insanely stupid to cut himself when Jack could have walked in at any moment?

To cut himself so fucking deep that Jack had asked if they could call the police before hesitantly conceding to just wrapping his arms up…

Mark had just finished his shower, which he had to do a few hours after just so he didn’t cause himself to bleed out…

Rewrapping his arms had been a chore, and Mark found that he wanted to do it less and less…

18 more days…

Just 18 and then he could be free…

Mark thought it would be fitting if he died physically the day he died mentally…

Back when he was 22 and thought he’d been able to fix himself and live happily.

Mark felt dirty just thinking about what had happened.

God he needed to upload and record…

He put on a hoodie, even if it wasn’t exactly what he usually wore.

He just couldn’t bring himself to find anything else, and the smell of his dad had already long since faded away, but the memories made him warm in his core.

Jack watched him disappear into the recording room, before going to the guest room and sighing shakily.

He had a good few hours…

Jack took the whiskey and took a big gulp straight from the bottle, sighing in disappointment.

“Hypocrite…”


	6. Irony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter I wrote. Has graphic self harm...

“Aren’t you hot, Mark?”

“Why yes, I am~!”

“God- you know what I mean!”

Mark glanced up at Ryan.

That wasn’t… He’d wanted to keep this from Ryan and Matt the most.

It wasn’t fair to them, not after Daniel…

Mark picked at the sleeve of the hoodie, silently.

“… This hoodie was my dad’s… I was just… Thinking about it and I…”

It wasn’t too much of a lie; actually, it was true! Maybe not the whole truth, but true. He’d chosen to wear this one because it used to be his dad’s, but the other reason why was a bit too much for them…

They were back to fucking around outside, Jack in an excited conversation with Wade, Bryan talking with Matthias… Etc.

Ryan had decided to sit with Mark in the shade this time, asking about the one thing Mark didn’t want to talk about, especially not after he’d checked his calendar and saw he had to go to therapy tomorrow.

16 more days…

Jack and him didn’t talk about the pool incident 2 days previous, and Mark didn’t talk about when he was finished recording and he found Jack passed out from alcohol.

Not that Jack knew he saw, knew it had been his whiskey.

So Mark had stolen it back and tossed them, but not without a quick gulp of Vodka. Get the edge off.

He’d had emergency items underneath his bed anyways, for the day.

The knife his dad had got him on his 11th birthday, a bottle of scotch, like his father used to drink, and then there were the pills he had in the bathroom…

Ryan frowned in suspicion. He’d noticed the way Mark had been acting the past few months, worse than he ever had.

Honestly, he was worried.

Daniel had gone through a similar state, but it hadn’t been big enough for Ryan to actually pay attention.

Now, however? He was definitely paying attention.

And everything wasn’t adding up to good.

“… Mark, if you’re not happy or… Just, know I’m here.”

Mark glanced up, giving a tired laugh. “You worry too much. It’s nothing.”

Both of them knew that wasn’t true, but the conversation had ended with that hollow sentence.

\----

“Hello, Caroline…” Mark mumbled.

The next day, Mark was at his second appointment.

Everything was happening rather fast, too fast for Mark to get a firm grasp on it and he hated it.

He wasn’t sure what to say to her, gripping his knees tightly in his hands.

“… So I see you’re back to wearing a hoodie. Mark… Did you do it again?”

Mark sighed a bit shakily, nodding.

“Me and Jack were swimming b-but after… He was in the shower and I just… I felt horrible, like I needed to, like…”

Caroline sighed a bit, nodding. She’d gotten rather close to this case already, honestly.

She liked Mark, and she wanted him to be happy and safe. Especially since she learned he was the Youtuber that her daughter watched to keep her happy.

Her daughter had even told Caroline that Mark’s videos had saved her life.

Caroline wanted to save his.

“Did he catch you doing it?”

“… yes… God, I hated myself for it… I expected him to be disappointed but he wasn’t… I was disappointed enough for both of us, at least.”

She gave a small sigh. She already knew bits and pieces of his past, of his father’s death and his mother’s abuse, but she could tell there was something else…

Caroline licked her teeth a moment before cautiously asking, “Is there a point in your past that made you want to harm yourself?”

“… I… I, uh, I already told you.”

Mark glanced to the side, biting the inside of his lip, hard. He remembered it, way to clearly, and he didn’t want to force himself to actually face it…

Not now, not ever…

“Mark, I can’t help you if you won’t let me…”

Almond eyes stared at her from behind the strands of red Mark had failed to push away. His lips were screwed into a frown, teeth gritted. He didn’t want to but…

“… In… Uh, f-five years ago… Shit, I… Damn it, I was out of the house!”

The dam broke, tears finally finding their way out of his eyes as he raised shaky fingers to push scarlet out of his eyes.

“H-How is it that I… Even when I was an adult, moved out to another fucking city- state, even, my mother could still ruin my life! Sh-She told… She sold me to this g-guy… I remember how much, f-$500,000… She told him everything about me, hell, she manipulated and forced me to not tell the police and I… I was so screwed up that I listened… H-He broke me… I-I died that day… I’m f-fucking…”

Caroline listened, cold settling in her core.

She’d never been able to not get emotionally invested in her patients’ lives, never been able to not feel intense emotional pain at every single one of their stories.

But this one hurt even worse.

How could a mother do that to her son?

How could someone…

“I’m… So sorry, Mark. I… I’d like to prescribe you with a few different medications. I… I’m just so sorry, Mark…”

Mark shook his head, standing to leave.

“… Mark, we’re not done yet…”

“I can’t d-do this, Caroline… I’ll come back next appointment, but right now… I can’t do it.”

She watched him walk off, sighing a bit. Maybe she’d pushed too far.

But Caroline just wanted him to live…

 “Huh? Mark?” Jack looked confused as Mark walked into the lobby, after making an appointment in another 4 days.

Mark had 15 more days before he was going to do what he had decided to do, and honestly… He was having trouble not doing it early…

“We’re leaving. I know it’s early, I have another appointment in a few days. Let’s just go, Jack…”

\----

Mark sat on the couch, spread out across the whole thing with his phone out. He was scrolling through comments and tweets…

Tumblr posts…

There was a sort of underlying worry he could practically feel from each message.

‘Is anyone else a bit worried about Mark? He seems to be tired and not as happy as usual…’

‘Mark? You feeling ok?’

‘I almost thought he was crying from the way his voice wavered…’

‘Was that gauze? Did he get hurt?’

Mark cursed and dropped the phone on his stomach, laying back.

He had a few bottles of medication sitting in his medicine cabinet, and for some reason Jack had taken it upon himself to make sure that Mark not only took them, but didn’t take too many.

A knock at the door caused him to jolt, blinking blearily over toward the door.

“I’ll get it!” Jack called, bouncing toward the door and opening it.

Mark quickly tugged at his sleeves to make sure the gauze and wounds were completely covered.

It was more friends.

Danny, Arin, Ryan, Matt, and Wade.

Mark sighed a bit as he sat up, stretching.

“Hey Mark!” Wade spoke rather excitedly, plopping down right next to him.

Mark gave him a tired smile, saying a soft hello. He wasn’t in the mood to tease Wade.

In fact, he wasn’t in the mood to pretend to be alright in front of so many people.

\----

4 hours in and Mark was feeling urges.

It was getting late, he was tired, and just 13 days till…

Not even, it was so late it was about to be 12 days in 3 hours, and Mark hated having to pretend in front of so many people when he was…

Especially Ryan and Matt.

Mark picked at his sleeves, taking a few shaky breaths.

It was honestly too much, and he felt a panic attack creeping up towards him.

He had a tendency of panic attacks, but he always tried to get away from people before it happened.

Now, however, with everyone around…

His skin was prickling, both with the need to harm himself again and the panic trying to take over.

“I-I need to go to the bathroom.”

Mark quickly rushed out the room, ignoring the looks of concern he got from his shaky words, his labored breathing, his running…

Mark shut and locked the door behind him, shaking and basically sobbing as he stood in front of the mirror, legs barely holding him up.

“Mark…? Are you ok?”

Danny…

“Y-Yeah man! ‘m f-fine!” Mark’s voice wavered in a way that showed that wasn’t true, as he quickly took off his hoodie and undid the gauze on his left arm.

This was too fucking much…

He hadn’t been able to drink, barely able to cut, he’d been surrounded by all his friends for much longer and more often than usual, and he’d been talking about his past with Caroline much more than he had in his whole life.

“… Are you sure, Mark? We’re worried about you…”

Mark hissed as he pressed his fingers into the old cuts, splitting them open and causing blood to bubble up and coat his arm and the tips of his fingers.

He let out a shaky breath, whimpering. “I-I’m… s-sur-re…”

His breathing was shallow and it hitched as he accidentally delved his finger too far and caused pain to burst.

“Mark…” A large pause, before Danny spoke firmly. “Open the door.”

He froze, veins turning to ice. He bit the inside of his cheek, exhaling shakily.

“… I… N-No… Please, just g-go away…”

Mark felt tears in his eyes as he quickly started wiping away the blood, shakily covering his arm with new gauze and throwing his hoodie on.

“… Mark, what are you doing in there?”

Mark threw open the door, rubbing away the last of his tears with his sleeve. “… crying…”

Danny stared at him for a moment, glancing all over Mark, before swallowing harshly.

“… Mark… Your floor…”

He glanced back, cursing as he saw the drops of blood he’d failed to clean up.

“… I… Danny, please, I wasn’t… I just… Fuck, i-it’s not what you think…”

Danny glanced over at the room with their friends who had asked him to tell them if Mark was alright…

“… P-Please… Don’t sa-ay anything, just forget it, please…”

Danny looked at Mark, hesitating, before…

“… A-Alright. Fine, but Mark, you better tell me if you feel like doing that again. I want to help you.”

Mark gave a shaky sigh of relief, nodding.

Another empty promise…


	7. Alone

Mark watched them leave, giving a shaky exhale before suddenly Wade was back.

Mark looked up, cocking his head and giving an exhausted fake smile. “What’s wrong, Wade…?”

“I know you did something in that bathroom. Danny came back and he was much quieter than before, you went in there after… Mark, what happened?”

Mark’s breaking smile finally slipped, and he glanced to the floor, scarlet hair shielding his face from Wade.

“… I… D-Don’t have any knives or anything, I d-didn’t cut I just… I just… R-Reopened my newer ones from a few days ago… H-He just saw the blood on the floor, he didn’t see…”

Wade looked away, hesitating. “… How long ago?”

“A-About… 6 days, nearly a week… I just…”

Wade sighed tipping Mark’s face to look toward him. “Mark, you need to tell someone if you feel badly. We can’t help you if we don’t know…”

Wade said his goodbyes before leaving.

Mark cursed and rushed to the couch, plopping on it.

“Are you ok?”

He glanced up at the green haired Irishman, shrugging a little.

“… Fine.”

“What did you do?”

Mark swallowed, glancing away. “… Nothing new. I just reopened my old… I just… It was too much, Jack…”

Jack blinked, before looking down at the floor. “… Mark, ya said you’d tell me if you felt that way again…”

Mark looked up at him, breathing hitching a bit. “… Jack, please don’t get mad… I’m sorry, I just…”

Jack shook his head, going forward and running a hand down Mark’s back. “Mark, I’m not mad, I’m just…”

“Disappointed?”

Jack snorted, sighing. “I’m not yer parent or somethin’ talking to ya after you got home from drinking.”

Mark stared up at him with half open almond eyes. “… Jack… I love you…”

Jack froze, looking at Mark in surprise for a moment, before he shook his head a bit. “I love you too, Mark.”

“… I… I meant… Like, in a way…”

Jack’s movements stuttered as he shakily licked his lips to moisten them before he spoke.

“… You mean… Romantically? Cause… I-I kinda like you that way, too…”

Mark let out a small laugh, sitting up. “Well now I just feel stupid for not saying anything earlier.”

Jack carded his fingers through his green locks, smiling up at Mark.

“Hey, then I’m stupid too fer not saying anythin’ either.”

Mark curled up next to Jack in a tight ball, falling asleep next to him.

Jack pulled Mark close, before he disengaged from the sleeping American and went back to the guest room.

He grabbed the small bag of Cocaine and knife, quickly going out to dispose of the items once and for all.

Mark reached a hand out, opening his eyes as he awoke up to… no one.

He sat up, gritting his teeth.

12 days…

The next day, he’d have to go to therapy again…

God, he didn’t regret what he was going to do as much as he knew he should…

Mark stood and stretched, before going to the kitchen to get himself a drink.

He found himself thinking about one of the few songs he liked to listen too. It was an apt description of what he felt right now…

‘I feel the cold again… I feel alone again…’

Mark sighed before he went back to the bed, waiting for Jack to come back.

He pretended to be asleep when Jack got back in the bed, pulling him close…

Mark liked being this close, actually…

Made him feel warm. Mark smiled as he fell asleep, lying with Jack.

\----

“Oh g-god…”

Mark felt his whole body seem to shut down, breathing quickening.

He felt his friend’s eyes on him, heard their worried words through water…

Green eyes clashed with his, before he gave a wail that slowly raised in pitch and volume as his murderer stepped closer.

“Beautiful…?”

Wade snapped to attention, looking up at a stranger who was staring at Mark with such surprise and… Beautiful? Mark’s reaction…?

“You get the fuck away from him!”

The man flinched at the yell, looking down. “… I… Look, that wasn’t a good time for me, ok?! I just got… A lot of money, inherited it and I just… Fuck, it was five years ago… I’m different, I feel horrible about it…”

Jack glared up at him, realizing who he was.

“Who are you?” Ryan asked, confused but knowing something was wrong, a tinge of anger at the man for causing this reaction from Mark.

“… My name is Colton Matthews. I… I’d like to give Mark something…”

Wade pulled Mark close as the man shook nearly out of Wade and Jack’s grasps.

Colton took out a check, holding it out for someone to grab.

Mark flinched back, before reaching out to take the paper.

“… th-this… M-My god, that’s so many zeros…”

“Look, I know that’s not enough and it will never be enough… My daughter… Went through something similar to what I did to you and she… She was so broken, she killed herself… I can’t bear to imagine what you must be going through… Hell, you’re alive right now…”

Mark was still shaking, swallowing the bile that threatened to expel from his body.

“What did he do to you…?” Matt asked, in a voice so quiet Mark could barely hear it.

Mark nearly crushed the paper in his hands.

“You… Fuck, you already killed me… I can’t… Fuck…!”

He ripped himself away from Wade and Jack and ran off, tears in his eyes as he tried to get as far away as possible.

He didn’t need to hear what they were going to say to Colton, didn’t need to…

Mark made it to a pier, barely able to take air into his lungs as he stared into the ocean.

He wanted to talk to Caroline. He needed advice, he needed to know if he should accept the money, tell the police about what had happened 5 years ago, if he should…

Mark stuffed the paper into his pocket and sobbed, hands gripping the railing tight.

He hated this, he just wanted to…

He just wanted to die.

How was it fair that the man who had murdered him would… less than two weeks before he had planned to die…

“Are you ok?”

Mark glanced behind him to see a stranger.

Whoever he was, he seemed to look genuinely worried about Mark.

“… No.”

The stranger blinked a bit, stepping forward. “Do you want to talk about it?”

And that’s why, in a hushed voice, Mark expelled everything to whoever this was.

Alex, he said his name was, just listened, making a point to negate Mark whenever he said things like he deserved what happened or that he was a horrible person.

Then Alex said something, enough to make Mark feel warm again.

“Mark, I want you to know that you never deserved any of that. Because you saved my life, you saved many lives. Fuck, you’re my hero man…”

Mark looked at him for a few moments with dull chocolate eyes, before he gave a shaky smile. “I’m happy I could help you.”

“Please… I want to see a video from you 12 days from today. I want to see a video from you 40 days from today. I want you to be breathing next year.”

Mark stared at the dirty blonde haired man, before tilting his head and giving a tired, happy laugh.

“I’ll try. I promise.”


	8. Believer

“He… God…”

Mark had finished telling Caroline everything about what had happened with Colton, holding his bare arms close. It had been awhile since the last time he’d harmed himself, to the point where they were healed enough for him to rub concealer on his arms and go out without a jacket.

Of course, Mark had definitely wanted to a few times, but somehow he’d been able to survive.

No one said anything about what Colton really did, so most of his friends were still in the dark even though they had seen the exchange.

“I’m… I’m torn… I don’t know if I should cash the check or tear it up… On one hand, it’d make me feel like a whore…”

And on the other, he could will it to Jack and charities after he died…

“But on the other hand, I could give so much to charities, help people who really need it…”

“Do you think you need help?”

Mark looked up, blinking away the drying tears he’d had from telling the story.

“… Maybe?”

Caroline let out a short, quiet sarcastic laugh. “Maybe?”

“Well, what do you want from me? I don’t even think I deserve it, much less need…”

“You’re willing to cash in a check that a horrible person gave to you just so you can give money to charity. I think you’ve pretty much proved you deserve a lot of good.”

Mark sighed, shrugging, before…

“I… Think Jack and I are together too…”

\----

Jack hugged Mark every time he saw the American after the confrontation with Colton.

Wade had wanted to call the police, but Mark had said quietly that it didn’t matter anymore.

Wade still filed a report, without Mark’s knowledge.

“Mark… I love you… Please, just… I’m sorry… I’m sorry you had to see him again, I’m sorry you have to make the decision of keeping the money or not, I’m sorry…”

Mark gave Jack a tired, breaking smile. “It’s o-ok…”

“But it’s not! God, it’s not fair!”

Mark blinked at him, frowning at Jack’s scowl, at Jack’s angry eyes, warm tears falling down his cheeks…

Mark reached up to wipe them away with his thumbs, pressing his forehead on Jack’s.

Mark felt… happy, for the moment. Warm, loved.

Mark started laughing good naturedly, causing Jack to look up at him confused.

“I’m happy right now, Jack… Actually happy! I’m not pretending, I actually feel… It feels really good.”

Jack grinned up at him, eyes sparking and getting happier as well.

“Thank you…”

\----

Mark’s happiness didn’t last long.

He’d given the whole check to a charity for homeless people, a charity for finding the cure to cancer, and to a charity for help for people with mental illness.

There was nothing left of the check except about $50,000. That last bit was going to Jack.

When he died.

Mark had touched the note he’d wrote while looking through his closet for something, bringing it down with shaky fingers to reread.

And revise.

He sat down in his closet, rewriting the entire note with exactly how he felt now.

Why he was still going through with it.

Because he loved Jack and he believed Jack thought he loved Mark but it wasn’t going to last because Jack would get sick of him.

How he was just a burden, which they constantly worried about.

How he didn’t deserve them, how he was still the reason his dad was dead.

How he was so horrible his own mother couldn’t love him.

How he was just unhappy.

How he wasn’t a hero, like people said.

How he was broken.

 Music was playing lowly, before his writing stuttered at one of the lines.

‘You’re the only one that makes my heart beat. You’re the only reason that I still breathe.’

Mark sighed a bit, shaky, before finishing up the new letter and tearing up the old one.

He still dated his death the same date, before going back out to hang out with Jack.

It was less than a week till his death date now.

6 days…

The day previous, he’d had his second to last session with Caroline, and for some reason he didn’t actually want to leave her.

He was going to miss Caroline, miss Jack, miss Wade, miss Ryan, Matt, Danny, Arin, Suzy, Bryan, Matthias…

… J-Fred, Felix, Ken, fuck, everyone!

‘But they’re not going to miss _me_ …’

It was a scary thought, Mark watching the paper in his hands, tears dripping onto the page. He smiled through his tears suddenly, shaking his head.

Why did they pretend like they cared still…? Why couldn’t they just tell the truth…?

Mark glanced at his phone, before turning off the music.

He stood on shaky legs, putting the note away. He needed to record a video.

He needed to apologize to Alex.

\----

Mark whispered an apology to Jack, underneath his breath.

Jack glanced down, cocking his head. “Fer what?”

“I’m sorry I’m still sitting here, burdening you…”

Jack grit his teeth. He knew he should be more understanding when Mark got like this, but honestly, he was sick of it.

“You’re not! God, how much do I have ta tell you for you to realize that?! I love you and I’d do anything for you!”

Mark looked up at him, before looking back down.

Mark knew he shouldn’t still talk to Jack like that…

Apologize for things Jack hated to be apologized for, but Mark felt like a burden.

Why was he unhappy?

There was no reason to be…

“… I’m gonna go out.”

Jack suddenly looked worried, standing to follow. “Wha- I’ll go whit you then!”

“No… I just want to go out by myself…”

Jack looked down, clenching his jaw. “… I’m sorry, Mark… Look, ‘a know I’m bein’ stupid, it’s jus’… I hate that you think like that… I love you…”

“I know… I love you too…”

Then Mark was gone, out the door.

Cold wind blew in his face. God, when did it get crisp out here?

It was rather late… He ended up looking for Danny.

A few knocks and suddenly Mark was barely containing tears, standing in front of the taller, older man.

“I-I want to hurt myself… R-Really bad…”


	9. Broken

Mark seemed pretty happy.

He took Jack out to lunch at a restaurant, a proper date, on his last appointment with Caroline.

Not that anyone but Mark knew it was the last one…

He had acted lively, happy, like he did in most of his videos for the past few days, to the point where Jack actually thought he’d helped.

Mark had invited their friends to come to dinner the next day, going so far as to tell lively stories that had to do with each of them.

He’d even invited Tyler and Bob to come down back at the 5 day mark, so they were there to see him at the dinner.

Mark knew it was 2 days till he had to die.

Bob, Tyler, Wade, and Matthias knew it was 2 days till the day that Mark had been broken 5 years ago…

But Mark didn’t look like he was thinking about it.

In fact, he looked happy go lucky… Until…

“I’m sorry, Matt, Ryan…”

It wasn’t in front of everyone, Mark had pulled them to the side a bit.

“… For what…?” Matt asked, hesitating a bit. He looked… Genuinely afraid.

Mark shook his head, sighing shakily. “I’m just… You won’t know until later wh-why I’m saying sorry… Just… I’m really, truly sorry… I know it won’t matter as much as…” As much as Daniel’s…            How fucked up to  think like that… “But… I really am…”

Mark quickly turned and rushed to go to the others, wiping away the stray tears that had bubbled up and threatened to spill and ruin the day.

No, he couldn’t be that fucking selfish.

\----

Mark was shaking as he looked at the calendar.

Tomorrow was the day.

And honestly it hurt to think about.

It hurt to think about how everyone had been happy last night and Mark was so tired and broken and fucked that he thought they all hated him, were annoyed with him…

Pitied him…

Danny had helped him that night, kept him from harming himself or doing anything rash but that had been it.

Mark just wanted to stay clean till his death, not let anyone see wounds, not worry Jack so much that he’d watch over Mark like a hawk.

Jack…

Honestly, Mark felt the worst about what he was doing to Jack.

After the other had been forced to see Mark harming himself, twice…

After they’d confessed their love for each other, even if Mark knew it wouldn’t last…

After the happiness Jack had somehow cause…

Mark was going to hurt him.

Mark hated himself for that, hated himself for everything…

“Hey, Mark?”

Mark snapped to attention, looking up at Bob.

Right, Bob, Tyler, and apparently Wade had decided to stay at Mark’s house for a week or so.

Or rather, 4 days.

“Yeah? What’s wrong?”

“Are you feeling ok? Tomorrow, uh…”

Mark’s smile suddenly became very much forced.

“I’m fine. You hungry? I’ll start dinner…”

Wade, Jack, and Tyler were playing some game that Mark never remembered buying as he went to quickly upload a video then started cooking dinner.

“Are ya makin’ pizza?!”

Mark snorted at Jack’s voice.

“Maybe. It’ll be better this time!”

Mark stared at the pizza a few moments, frowning suddenly.

His sadness suddenly seemed overpowering, panic starting.

Oh, he hadn’t been taking the medication and honestly it was suddenly worse.

A lot worse than before.

Or maybe it was just because he hadn’t felt this overpoweringly depressed in awhile, not since before he’d started going to therapy, started talking with Jack, started the medication…

His breathing was labored and suddenly his vision was tunneling as a panic attack suddenly creeped up on him.

He dropped to the floor, pizza spilling out of his hands and falling to the floor next to him.

He couldn’t breathe. In fact, he was close to unconscious.

“Mark!”

Mark didn’t know what was happening, just that he could feel people touching him, trying to wake him up but he _was_ awake… But he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move…

He screamed as suddenly…

He wasn’t home.

He could feel blood dripping down his face, pain aching between his legs…

This hallucination, what he’d used the cocaine for in the first place…

“Hush, beautiful…”

But it wasn’t Colton on top of him.

Jack sat on Mark’s stomach, legs on either side of him as he traced his fingers across Mark’s chest.

“I don’t want to hurt ya, Mark… But you live fer th’ pain. You want me to fix ya, but you won’t let me. You know what? I’ll always be here for you. I have no shame. I should be, ashamed of ya, but yer lucky I don’t care.”

Mark was shaking, reaching up to try and push the smaller one off but his limbs felt heavy…too heavy to carry…

“Jack, please! S-Stop!”

Jack slid off of him, before his dainty fingers were unbuttoning Mark’s pants.

“S-STOP! STOP IT, STOP IT, PLEASE!”

Mark screamed, tears in his eyes as he suddenly launched forward, hands coming up to grip the sides of his head.

Jack had disappeared, leaving him sitting in his ‘room’.

Back when he was a kid, after his dad died…

He sobbed, shoulders shaking.

“P-Please… I-I just want to be happy… Wh-Why can’t I be happy…?”

Jack sat in front of Mark, causing the American to look up with bleary, puffy eyes.

“Because you’re not trying. You’re playin’ games fer people, tellin’ them ta be happy and healthy and to not hurt themselves or kill themselves but you can’t take yer own advice. Let your friends help. Let me help. Please… ‘a love you…”

Mark bit his lip before giving a bitter sob.

“I’m trying… I really am, y-you can’t…”

“You have a due date in mind and for some reason even when you felt happy you thought about it whit finality. Even when things are looking up, you have that day an’ everything ready ta die. You’re not trying. ‘r maybe you are--- trying to keep yourself unhappy.”

Mark scooted back, glaring at ‘Jack’.

“The fuck is wrong with you…? I’m not t-trying to keep myself unhappy!”

“Then why do you keep thinking about the past? Why do you keep thinking about how they must hate you even when it doesn’t look like it? Why do you want to die?!”

“I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE IT’S WHAT I SHOULD’VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO! I want to die because I can’t do anything right! I want to die because something’s wrong with me, to make people hate me…! I want to die because I love Jack and I know at some point I’ll ruin it. I want to die because it hurts too much… I want to die because even when I’m happy… I’m… Not…”

Mark sobbed harder, before pushing ‘Jack’ away.

“F-Fuck off! I’m not trying to keep myself unhappy, I can’t fucking h-help it!”

‘Jack’ let Mark push him off, staring at Mark for the longest time without actually making a facial expression or a sound, before… “Live.”


	10. Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic suicide attempt..

Mark woke up in his bed.

He was groggy, pushing himself up and smacking his lips a bit.

His limbs felt like they were moving in molasses, pain bursting through his head. He glanced at his phone, pressing the power button.

August 7th. The day…

Mark thought for a moment about what he was going to do, getting off the bed and looking underneath his bed at his emergency items.

He curled his hands around them and slowly moved them to hide in his bathroom, rubbing his eyes.

This wasn’t fair to his friends; it wasn’t fair to anyone…

But… He couldn’t handle, not anymore…

He was at least going to wait till the night, though, toddling out his room and sighing as suddenly Jack was helping him onto the couch.

“Are you ok, Mark?” Bob asked, to which Mark nodded.

“Yeah… I-I’m fine… I was actually wondering if we could go out to dinner again tonight, with everyone… I just need a distraction.”

Wade looked concerned, but he shrugged. “I don’t see why not…”

Mark felt like he was going to throw up.

He could barely eat as much as he usually did, and he could barely keep it down.

Today was the day.

While he knew he wanted the pain to stop and needed to die… Part of him _didn’t_ want too.

His mother wanted him dead, his brother, a lot of people…

But the people he loved never told him that…

“I need to pee.”

Mark finally mumbled, getting up.

“Are you ok?” Bob asked, glancing up at the shorter man.

After what had happened, with Mark completely going into a panic, flashback, hallucination frenzy, Bob was worried about Mark.

Mark glanced over to him, nodding slowly.

Bob hesitated. He could tell something was off, but...

Mark was off, rushing toward the bathroom, then slipping out the front door and running to his house.

His legs burned, itching with the need to cut, biting his lip as he flew towards his home and opened the door.

He didn’t bother locking it, dropping the key in front of his door and going to his computer room.

He knew as soon as he uploaded this video, people were going to call police, rush to his door, stop him…

He quickly pressed upload, titled the video ‘im sorry…’, pressed publish when done, and rushed into his bathroom.

First, he grabbed the note and set it on the counter of his bathroom, before he grabbed his knife and, after some hesitation, sliced his arm, deeply.

Mark gave a cry as he felt it go deeper than he’d ever done before, watching blood bubble up and drip to the floor.

It took awhile before he couldn’t even see his arms or legs, watching the red and mutilated flesh with tears stuck in his eyes.

He was already dizzy and could practically feel his imminent death, but he had to be sure…

Mark shakily opened a bottle of his medication, downing it and drinking the scotch he’d had to wash it down.

Mark felt actual fear coil around his core as he took another drink of scotch before basically falling forward, head landing on the counter.

Mark could barely think, could barely keep himself awake…

“F-Fuck…”

Mark could barely lift his head, still trying to pry open the second bottle of medication, hands shaking and covered in slippery blood.

Suddenly Jack was there… Wade, Bob, Tyler… Ryan, Matt…

After the video had went up, they’d immediately looked for him…

Found what was left of him…

“… s-sor-rry…”

Mark could barely mumble, sitting up and nearly falling back.

He’d lost a lot of blood, taken a lot of pills, drank a lot of alcohol…

Mark had finally got the lid off of some green medication, tipping it as if it was a drink…

“No!” Jack quickly ripped it out of his hands, throwing them across the bathroom and letting them fly across the floor.

“Y-You… Mark…”

“I…”

“M-Mark, please…”

“Hello? I-I… Fuck, my f-friend, he tried… I n-need an ambulance, he tried to commit s-suicide…”

Mark rested his head on Jack’s chest, shaking subsiding and breathing slowing and shallow.

“No, no, no… Y-Ya said… You said you loved me… M-Mark… Y-You can’t leave me… P-Please…”

Jack felt Mark’s blood stain his skin, this image of Mark dying in his arms burning into his memory forever…

There was so much blood, an empty bottle of scotch lying in a puddle of the red substance, green pills landing in Mark’s life source…

“Why… You were h-happy… Y-You got ha-appy, why… I’m s-sorry… ‘a really a-am…”

\----

“I’m sorry.”

Mark spoke, softly, firmly.

“I’m sorry that I… Killed myself. I kept saying that if you need help, if you’re feeling bad, to ask for help, to not kill or hurt yourself but I couldn’t take that advice… I couldn’t do it and I’m so sorry…”

Jack watched the video over again, tears dripping down his cheeks as he watched his red headed idiot speak for 17 full minutes about his problems, how sorry he was, and to never kill yourself…

“But I guess I’m in no position to say anything… I’m a fucking mess sometimes…”

Jack clicked off the video, going down to the comments.

It hurt to see them, see these poor fans heartbroken, trying to stop him from doing something he’d already done…

No.

Jack wiped away his tears, looking up at Mark in the hospital bed.

He didn’t do it, Mark was still alive…

But was he going to stay alive…?

“I knew something was wrong.”

Ryan’s voice was quiet as he stared at Mark; blood drying, sweaty, barely breathing Mark covered in bandages.

“I tried to help but I didn’t try enough and… W-We’re going to lose him too…”

“I was able to help him for a night… That was it… He never came for help again, he never told me he was going too…” Danny looked away.

Jack stood on shaky legs, going forward to smooth Mark’s red hair and kiss his forehead.

“Please, fer th’ love of god, don’t die…”


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK. Might make a sequel.  
> I just kinda regretted making the decision to let Mark die.

“He lost a lot of blood. I’m sorry but… We can’t do much else but keep him alive right now. We don’t know if he’ll wake up. It’s up to him now.”

Mark looked up as he heard a voice. Why was he in the hospital?

Was he visiting someone?

He glanced over at the other people in the seats.

Bob, Wade, Jack, Matt, Ryan, Matthias, hell even Felix and Ken…

Friends…

Mark looked over at the bed, before taking a quick step back and falling straight on his ass.

 _He_ was in the bed.

Mark stared up at the bed holding… himself.

Oh. He remembered what had happened, taking a few deep breaths.

“Mark… I’m sorry…”

Jack’s voice permeated the silence of the room, causing Mark to look up.

“It’s alright, Jack… It’s not your fault… When he wakes up…”

Wade.

Mark sighed, standing shakily.

He wondered why he was here.

He had heard the nurse, of course--- it was up to Mark himself now.

Mark was sure he needed to die. But…

“I don’t know what to do…”


End file.
